Gay Dating Tips: Sex and the First Date

No topic produces more excitement or varying views, than first date sex. For some gay men, sex on the first date is simply an extension of first date conversation and just another way to “get to know” the person by testing overall sexual compatibility. For others, first date sex is a “no-no” — the proverbial nail in the coffin for a budding gay romance.

One thing is for certain with all men though — gay men included: sex can be so intertwined with our identity that often we have trouble defining ourselves, and our relationships without it.

As if navigating the complexities of the first date were not enough, sex inevitably lurks in the back of our minds, pushing us to answer the “what if’s.“

A few gay dating tips to assist you in making the right choice and ease any “day after guilt”:

First dates are unique, and first impressions lead to lasting impressions. Unlike meeting a guy from a chat room or sex site where there is an understanding for sex, meeting for a first date carries with it the intent to get to know the person outside the bedroom. The preliminary e-mails, first phone contact and first meeting set the tone for future interactions.

Introducing sex on the first date may bring an unintended expectation for future relating. For some this may lead to more sex and for others first-date sex may lead to un-returned phone calls. Sex has the potential to complicate a new and yet-to-be developed relationship.

Spending time getting to know the other person, checking compatibility and developing mutual interest will help stabilize and grow a potential relationship. Focusing attention on the other person communicates an interest in the person for who and what he is, not how hung or great he is in bed. If you bring sex to the table — or bed — too early, you run the risk of communicating to him that sex is the only thing you want or expect.

Check your insecurity at the door

For many gay men, the first date is wrought with anxiety and expectation. As you get to know the person sitting across from you, you may begin to ask yourself questions like these:

“Does he like me?”

“Is he feeling as good about this as I am?” or

“Wow, this guy is hot. I wonder what he thinks about me?”

Feeling uneasy or uncertain about how the date is going opens a door for sex to walk through. If insecure feelings are leading the way, it increases the potential — whether consciously or unconsciously — to use sex as a way to find answers. If this is not the case, consider the impression you want to leave with him. Does he share this impression of you? If so, sex may or may not be an issue, especially in securing the second date.