Let’s be honest. When you meet a guy to whom you are attracted, if you are like most gay men, it’s probably right up there in your top 3 questions to ask; especially if you are considering a first date with him. If not, maybe it should be.
It’s More Than Who’s Putting What Where
When searching for compatibility in partners, sexuality is one area we scope out – we instinctively ask how do my expectations about sex match up with his? But beyond the physical logistics of who’s putting what where, the sexual position we prefer is our way of communicating to our partner how I want to please you and, in turn, how I want to be pleased. So can a relationship work when both of you are tops? Both bottoms?
We all have a preference for one position or the other and this is the predominant way we choose to express our sexuality in a relationship.
Take the example of Jim and Steve…
“From the beginning Jim expressed his desire to be the bottom. In his prior relationships, Steve had always been the bottom, however, with Jim he agreed to top. During sex, Jim often felt Steve disconnect from him and after sex would wonder if he was really into it. To make matters worse, Steve found it increasingly difficult to maintain his erection or even orgasm. While Steve wanted to please Jim the way he desired, this was not the position that provided Steve the most enjoyment.”
In sex we play out a domination-submission role with our partner. If the role does not match how we psychologically connect with our partner during sex (for Steve this resulted in a half-hearted attempt at topping), the fantasy becomes difficult to play out. Essentially, the fantasy loses intensity and passion, and can become merely a physical act devoid of erotic energy.
“For both Jim and Steve, anger and resentment over sexual position began to build between the two and ultimately squashed their arousal and excitement for sex before they ever walked into the bedroom.”
Big Ole’ Bottom
It is absolutely critical that we feel comfortable enough to express our sexual needs and fantasies with our partner. However, that can be especially difficult when you aren’t sure of how your partner will react. Unfortunately, even as gays continue to be stigmatized, or at least fail to gain full acceptance by the larger society, the gay subculture also tends to stigmatize those who identify with being a bottom.
How many times have you heard, “Yeah, he seems masculine but he is a big ole’ bottom” or heard gossip about some guy’s sexual fantasies or fetish. There is the misperception that somehow being a bottom is less than being a top, or means you are less masculine. In real life, some of the most masculine guys are unapologetically total bottoms. Similarly, some top guys tend to be on the more feminine end of the spectrum, and just happen to be more assertive in bed.
Remember, sex between a bottom and top is all about giving and getting, and does not necessarily mean the bottom is submissive. And, as we mature and gain more sexual experience and confidence in our sexual identities, it’s not uncommon for a preferred role to change. Today’s bottom may very well be tomorrow’s top! It’s therefore doubly important that we talk honestly with our partners as our sexual needs and fantasies can change from time to time.
So when you meet that guy you want to get to know more, consider your top 3 list. Where does the question of “Are you a top or bottom?” rank?
[...] date conversation and just another way to “get to know” the person by testing overall sexual compatibility. For others, first date sex is a “no-no” — the proverbial nail in the coffin for [...]
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